Before I sleep.

I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep unless I admit to myself why I feel guilty and apologize.

Kerry. Ever since you died, you have been my constant source of sadness.
The reason is that when I finally sent you that letter with my final goodbye and everything I thought about you and how much I loved you and how much you helped me, it was too late and you never got to read it.

I can't promise that I wont get angry at how unfair the way you died was anymore, because I know I wont be able to stop myself, but I can apologize for something.

I'm sorry. It was because you were sticking up for me that you broke up with Adam. It's because you put me before him. It's because you for some reason I can not understand, loved me enough to stick up for me against someone you might of had a future with.

He insulted me infront of you and you loved me so much, you fought for me against another loved one.

Therefore, I kind of feel like I am responsible for that huge fight. All the things he did to you, all the things he said about you... you didn't deserve it and I'm sorry you had to put up with it.

Stress impairs the bodies ability to heal. Stress speeds up the growth of tumours. And I can't help but think that the stress from that fight didn't help your situation. At all.

So I'm so sorry.

If I could start over, I wouldn't have even... got out of bed on the day that started.

And it just proves my point of all the times you helped me. When I was depressed, when I was scared, when I was sick, when I was lonely, when I couldn't talk to anyone else

and how it felt when you would rush to my defence when someone gave me hell.

And kick their ass.

Cause you were awesome.

And I'll love you forever for that.